folders and wadders

I made a discovery this week when talking to my family. And, I'm not going to lie, this discovery kind of rocked the foundation of my life as I knew it. Like when you think the entire world is one way because well...that's how you are, and as far as you know you're completely normal, only to find out that you're actually the weird one. (Ok I admit it, finding out that I'm the weird one is not that new for me.)

I found out there are two types of toilet paper users in the world. I always knew that one of my parents liked the folding neatly method, but I always just thought that was a one-in-a-million trait to have...and yes, I think it's insane. I found out the other day that probably 50% or more of my family uses the folding method! Even in-laws! (i'm protecting names, here...it seems like a sensitive subject) I think it might actually be more than 50%...but even that is a lot. You might have figured out that I'm a wadder...it just makes a lot more sense to me on many levels. Maybe here isn't the best place to discuss them. But now I'm curious. Is it just my family that is weird? What do you do?

single, malnurished female seeking tub of strawberry yoplait grande! yogurt

I discovered Yoplait's tub of Grande strawberry yogurt about a year ago when a friend recommended it to me because I was complaining that I like strawberry yogurt but don't like the stringy fruit pieces in it. Amazingly, a 6oz container of Yoplait strawberry yogurt has the stringy peices but the Grande size doesn't. Slick as a school marm's leg, as grandpa would say. It slides down the throat in a pleasing, no-work-involved sort of way. I find that wheat thins and easy cheese are a perfect combo with the smooth strawberry yogurt. One cheese covered wheat thin followed by a spoonful of yogurt; repeat until lunch is over.

Here's the problem in this dreamy-yogurt filled life I plan to lead: Where to find it. I know that Macey's sells it, but everytime I go to get some from there, they are clean out. Albertson's and Wal Mart (I believe) don't even carry the grande size yoplait. If it's so popular that it's constantly gone at Macey's (or maybe they just stock 3 tubs once a month), why do other stores not carry it? Don't they realize I rely on it for my dairy intake? I don't think that easy cheese is going to give me quite the same quality of vitamin c and calcium.

chicago on $70 and 1.3 mega pixels

Frank Gehry's Pritzker Bandshell in Millenium Park. I listened to some crazy Jamaica-ish band there. A little too crazy...even for me.
The kids loved it when these video faces spit water at them. The kid in this pic is taking it like superman, right in the chest.
We spent our time at ebay live watching the booth next to us perform on unicycles. What that had to do with signs for your business, I have no idea.
The skyline from Navy Pier at sunset.
The skyline at night going 40mph on a speedboat.

Cloud Gate. A sculpture in Millenium Park.I'm one of the dots in the middle.

a small soliloquy

i held off on that spendy purchase for a few days before finally succumbing

That's how strong I am.


Ok, so I realize that my blog seems to be a little one-track lately. I think it's that I allow myself one month of the year to obsess about not being married. This year it was May. The good news for you is that May is over.

I just noticed that my work calendar has inspirational quotes for each month. Nothing against inspirational quotes, but I find with a little tweaking, I'm more inspired.

Suddenly the rainbow and the waterfall make so much more sense because it's a picture of "Devil's Postpile" in CA. Whatever/wherever that is. It's so tempting....

deseret services, inc follow up

More than 2 years ago, I posted about an uncanny gift I have for helping guys get married.

I believe my special powers are still in force, though it's hard to tell since I haven't dated a whole lot in the last 2 years so I don't have many specific examples to share...apparently guys don't want to get married.

But, let me introduce you to my latest clients. Two brothers who were very kind in helping me with my 2008 goal of one date a month (hello! the year's not over...you can't start dating someone else yet!). I went on two dates with one of them and one with the other. Without me even promoting my business to them, they both realized the gold mine that they had found. They pointed out to me that they both started exclusively dating their current girl-friends 1 day after their dates with me. I kid you not...both of them! Ok, ok...so they're not married or engaged yet, but I think things are promising.
(every blog apparently needs a photo to keep you readers interested...so um, here's a shameless plug for an awesome restraunt in slc...)

...anyway...another friend of mine that I was worried might be interested in me and so I avoided him just enough so he wouldn't ask me out informed me a few months later that he was engaged! So apparently a guy doesn't even need to ask me out, he just needs to be interested in me (that's how industrious I am...just like a honeybee)...but don't let that out.

Just so you know, the reverse doesn't work: There have been several guys that I have been interested in and even asked out and they still aren't married. In order for the magic to happen, the guy must be interested in me initially.

mr good enough

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too turned off by the hateful raisins in the oatmeal to be able to enjoy the creamy, softness of the bland oats that surround said raisins...so...instead of wasting time just ignoring the raisins or pretending like I like them, i just throw the whole thing out. Or, maybe I decide it's a waste of time to even mix up the oatmeal...I already know I won't like it so why start? Or maybe I just think oatmeal is too bland and all this time I've been wasting my time with oatmeal when I would rather eat captain crunch for breakfast. Captain crunch is anything but soft and mellow (unless I wait 20 min after pouring the milk). But captain crunch is more risky.Are you catching my code language for dating? Several months ago, I read an article that made me think "dang, I could have been married years ago!" If only it had occurred to me to settle.
I'm not saying that I've had a myriad of opportunities to settle. But even if I had, I don't think I could stomach it. Sure, they're good guys...they would probably be great husbands...and fathers.... But is it too much to ask that I enjoy being around them? That they have a personality that I like? That they understand my jokes? That they dress semi-respectable? I don't think it's fair to a guy for me to go into the relationship thinking from the start "well, I will just get them a different haircut and take them clothes shopping and they will be fine"Unfortunately, up until now in my life, the only people that have occupied that overlapping circle space in my life have been family members or friends. What are the chances that after 28 years of no prospects, the next 28 will hold any better odds? It's seeming less likely than the first 28.

Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe I'm just supposed to settle for Vanilla Ice.

the 7 wonders of Cambria, CA

In no particular order

#1- Moonstone beach






















Incredible.
Incredible moonstones (which Stacey later told me were fake).
Incredibly cold water.
Incredibly not made of sand, but of tiny, smooth, colorful stones.

#2 - The ranchland

I don't know if I've ever seen rolling hills of just grass like this. They end in cliffs at the ocean.




#3- no cell reception (except at the intersection of Burton and arDATH)
Here is a handy map for you. The black arrow is where our beach house was. The ranchland is at the top left and the area of cell phone service we found is the red circle. As we drove into town, we'd get to this intersection and suddenly we'd hear beeps of phones suddenly deciding they had a pile of messages.

#4 - Leashless dogs

I've talked a bit about the dogs already. There was a sign at the gate to the ranchland that said "All dogs must be on a leash". Yet, every person I saw with a dog would unleash their dog right at that sign so that the dog could then bound through the grass right to me and my inseam. truly baffling.

#5 - Olallieberry pie
Heaven on earth. Perfect for during a movie, right before bed. Makes for a happy, sleepy stomach.

#6 - That one guy that's worked at that one restaurant forever

We should have gotten a picture of him. He's worked at the restaurant for a long time, apparently, because Stacey said he's there every year that she comes. He looks like he's about our age, maybe slightly balding on top...the perfect height...the perfect roundness (which means he's not round) and his friendliness seems to rival Stacey's. He takes our order and asks Stacey how's she doing, "what, was it about a year ago that you were here last?". He seems to have a suspiciously good memory of Stacey and I'm pretty sure she should marry him.

#7 - Hearst Castle and finally understanding that song from Newsies

Technically not in Cambria, but the wonders of it practically overflow into Cambria's borders. William Randolf Hearst's 90,000 square foot estate. There are 4 different tours you can take because if they combined them all into one, it would last all day and cost you $80 for the ticket (just me doing the math). While Jenni and I were exploring the castle's wonders, Stacey and Carla were hanging out at a Nude beach with a very tan man.

things to do: II

12 Things to do alone in a hot tub (it's harder than you think):

Main problem: I couldn't read because I just know I would have gotten the book wet. Not allowed.

1- Learn exactly, through trial and error, how all the jet and heat controls work.
2- Try to figure out why it refuses to heat up past luke warm
3- Try each corner of the tub for optimal sunlight exposure and jet propulsion.
4- Sit and stare at the ocean and sing the same song over and over again to yourself
5- Pull the chlorinating floater apart and figure out how it works.
6- Put it back together
7- Figure out the floater's exact path while the jets are on full blast
8- Watch it's path for 5 minutes
9- Turn off the jets completely and see if the path still exists
10- Pull the floater apart again just for kicks
11- Experiment with different leg positions to see if there's any way to keep yourself from floating off the seat
12- Entertain those watching through the window

Make sure you're really bored or these things aren't really going to do it for you.

highlights from a low-key place

Yup. That picture pretty much sums it up. I just spent the last week in a place without any cell phone reception or internet. I loved it. I wonder how the locals survive without those things. The highest moments of stress came while trying to find the perfect beach to take a sunset picture on. I'm not sure we were successful with that one. Oh, there was also deciding what movie to watch each night. Some decisions just take so much out of you that you have to spend the whole next day recovering via naps, gh3 and eating good food. Then, you decide again what beach to go to at what perfect sunset time and come home to the movie decision and the whole cycle is forced to start all over again the next day.

Oh, but I forget that there was a land line that liked to ring at 8am with recorded marketing calls. So, we weren't completely cut off from the world.

And there were plenty of 60 and older couples that would go on their walk through the 'ranchland' at the same time as I did every morning. Their dogs would always bound up and sniff my crotch just to let me know that I really did exist, physically. I don't know what it is about me. On our last night's search for beach sunset pictures, a lady walked her dog by us and it walked carelessly past the two in our group ahead of me, totally ignoring them. Then, sure enough, it saw the inseam of my pants and excitedly ran up to it to sniff, jump on it and basically just say hi. Then it continued on, where I assume it just ignored the last member of our group who apparently didn't have as exciting a crotch as I did. I guess I should be flattered.

Ok, so those aren't very good highlights. Hopefully I can write more later this week when I have more pictures to post.

priorities: perceived and prevailing

Priorities for this week:

1-Get in 40 hours at work (in preparation for my trip to cali)
2-Get a tune-up for my car (also prep for cali)
3-Get the timing belt on my car replaced (cali)
4-Clean my car
5-Write my talk for church on Sunday
6-Finish that dang painting that I've been working on for months
7-Get my shots for our Guatemala trip in 3 weeks
8-Shave my legs (cali)
9-Finish the book I'm reading (Cry the beloved country)
10-Start the next book on my book priority list.
11-Clean my bathroom
12-Get a pedicure with my friends (cali)
13-Get a sub for the temple (guatemala)

Actual (so far):

1-Got a sub for the temple
2-Shaved 1/3 of my legs (cali)
3-Finished Cry the Beloved Country
4-Alienated my mom
5-Halfway through my next book
6-Alienated my sister
7-Cleaned my tub
8-Alienated my friends
9-Got tetanus shot and typhoid pills and the diarrhea to go with them (guatemala)

No worries...I still have tomorrow to do everything else!

mental note: do laundry before next wednesday

I've gotten slack in my compulsiveness to be on time. I relaxed and left work 5 minutes late yesterday to get to my temple shift. I lazily sang along to U2's Ultraviolet Love as i took my usual route that turns at the purple turtle. Then I notice that the road I take that breaks off to the temple is closed and I think no big deal. I'll just go up to highland and take the Alpine highway back down to the temple. The only flaw in that plan is that I wasn't sure which road, exactly, was alpine highway. About the time I was crossing the railroad tracks in American Fork, I figured out that I must have taken the wrong road. No big deal, I think...I've found it before by just looking above the trees for the steeple and driving towards it (all the while thinking how dangerously fun it will be to walk into the meeting late). I spot the steeple and drive towards it. It's just a church. Curse this valley for having so many steeples! I drive east looking for it, then west, then north. Then I just give up and drive back to state st to go a way that I am certain arrives at the temple (since it seems to have vanished off the face of the earth). Traffic is terrible and I end up going the wrong way on state and have to drive a ways to turn around. By this time I'm literally yelling everything but obscenities (come on...I'm driving to the temple) at the top of my lungs in my car. A Harry Nilsson song randomly plays and I am no longer carelessly singing along. It's the mellowest song I own but is helpless against my raging inferno:

Open the window and take a deep sigh.
Think about letting the rest of the world go by.
Taking it easy, is easy as pie....

Says you, Harry.

I finally make it through traffic to the temple an hour after I left work. I throw on my dress only to realize that it is a crinkled mess and has three large, greasy stains right on the front of it. Figures.

conservativity

Ok, so Republicans are called "conservatives" but Democrats (liberals) are the "conservationists". Why is this? If Republicans are so called Conservatives, shouldn't they be conservative about everything? That would include fuel consumption, energy usage, natural resources, spending, foreign policy um...and many other things.

I recognize that I know basically nothing about politics and, I'm not gonna lie, I read up on 'conservatism' on wikipedia and I understood about 2% of it. But maybe this post is more just about our usage of the term conserve. I guess I could also complain about the democrats use of the word liberal. But it seems that would be a topic for a different post.

So can I be a Conservationist Conservative? Or do two positives equal a negative... (or depending on who is reading this, two negatives equal a positive. Pick your flavor). Better yet if I am both of those things (which means I'm basically a democrat and a republican) do I cease to exist? Like maybe being both causes confusion in the cosmos and worlds begin colliding in catastrophe. I hope my roomates don't wake up in the morning to find my fiery remains scattered across my bedroom floor.

it's a girl II

Ok, so I withheld some information on my last it's a girl post. The same night we got manicures, I also got my ears pierced! It really is about time that I became a girl. Notice in the first picture how I'm not even flinching? Yeah, I'm tough... or she just hadn't pulled the trigger yet.

It has now been more than a month and, in hindsight, there are a few things I would have done differently. I would have actually read the instructions that came with the alcohol solution they provided me. Which means I wouldn't have spun the ear rings playfully all day long the first couple of days. Which means my earlobes (especially my left) wouldn't have become all irritated (and infected?). Which means that I wouldn't have been laying on my back awake at night for 2 nights straight trying to ignore the throbbing pain. I also wouldn't have been forced to be creative in the positions I slept (a rice bag can perform many functions, I find).

My fav part of the night was the bag they provided me to carry with me to my manicure. It just screamed "yeah, I'm 28...and finally became a girl".

melissa's bottom 10

Please excuse me, as I have nothing to post about today.... Let's face it, there are not many pictures of me that turn out well. So I thought I'd help my humility a bit by sharing the ten worst pics of me from the last year. Think of it as one of those 'get up to date on my life' emails. I'm sure there are some pictures of me out there that are worse that I've just forgotten about or I don't have access to. I'll find and replace, if necessary.



Tonks







I think this one's from when I played the wicked step mother








Office light and a camera phone; not a good combo







I miss my glasses, and do I look 12 here?







Of course, everyone else in the pic looked great








Blurry is always better








Believe it or not, I had actually been awake for at least an hour







This one's like Jon's crooked climbing helmet picture. Clueless






Sick








This is my 'hey, thanks for checking me out' look

tom cruise crazy

Someday I'll be able to play the ukulele like this.

21 things to do in a snow-covered cabin

1- Eat!
2- Play a few GH3 songs on hard before giving up and resigning yourself to medium for the rest of your life.
3- Look for your book, that you swear was just here, for like 20 minutes because you want to read real bad!
4- Read for like 5 minutes before pretending to nap.
5- Pluck out the first half of 'blackbird' on the real guitar 27 times.
6- Play the other 3 'quiet' songs you know 15 times each.
7- Eat 3 deserts.
8- Throw up
9- Go on a walk and do high jumps in the snow.
10- Take turns wearing the only pair of snow boots so you can go sledding.
11- Go sledding without gloves and make your hands bleed.
12- Try hanging upside down on a zipline only to discover that you're too tall and your head is now dragging in the snow.
13- Laugh so hard at the person who ate snow upside down on a zipline that you cry.
14- Attempt to draw a million aspen trees in your journal while sitting on a 40 degree porch.
15- Play the only Mario DDR song on easy, medium, hard, and very hard before switching back to GH3 for good.
16- Watch Far and Away with the lights on outside so you can watch the snow falling at the same time.
17- Open a birthday present every time you hear a bird chirp.
18- Sleep in a cold basement.
19- Discover 2 space heaters as you clean up to leave.
20- Wake up in the morning to an earthquake/tree falling/snow falling off the roof
21- Shovel 10 inches of new snow off the path to the cars so you can leave.

Feel free to use these ideas on your own snow-covered cabin adventure.

soliloquy on irony

I like that it rhymes like a poem. Kind of like a Haiku, only it's not 17 syllables divided into 3 lines of 5, 7 and 5. But, other than that it's very similar.

You know how you hear ads on the radio and think, 'I could come up with a better slogan than that'? Well, I've had my share of those thoughts in my lifetime. So, when I was given an opportunity last week to work in marketing I naturally turned it down. The obvious reason is that it would have been more money and...well...we all know that my goal is to get married to an artist, make less than $10,000 a year between us, build our house out of straw and mud, and live a life (happy life, of course) of abject poverty. Yet, somehow someone of authority telling me that they think I'd be good at marketing boosted my confidence. It's only been a week and I've already had several conversations where I have used the phrases "well, from a marketing perspective..." and "from my past eBay marketing experience..." to sway someone to my 'marketing' way of thinking.

bla, bla, bla...Where's the irony part of this soliloquy.

A couple of weeks ago, I used my marketing brilliance to list some rock climbing boots on eBay for my brother. He insisted that we put a $45 reserve on them just to be safe. I did so and about 10 bidders bid back and forth until they reached $41.99 at what point they stopped and the listing ended without selling. Last week, feeling all-knowing, I told my brother that I thought it was the reserve that discouraged the bidders. They didn't know how close they were to reaching the reserve and finally just gave up. I told him I thought we should list them again, without a reserve this time, and then sit back and watch the battle of the bidders!

Yesterday, I remembered that the listing was supposed to end, so I excitedly looked to see how high it had gotten. The winner from NY survived the bidding onslaught with his $1.04 bid. I can't wait to get my 10% cut!

as the blog randomly turns....

deception, thy name is February

I have lived the last 10 February's of my life with these song lyrics as my dogma:

"And February was so long that it lasted into March...."

I always reveled in the irony (is it irony, bog?) of those words because, well...February is the shortest month of the year, right? But yet, in those 10 years, I have come to believe that it really is the longest month. Every January 31st, I brace myself for the long cold February that is ahead. And the cold and snow that I brace for usually lasts well beyond Feb 28th.

This year, February seemed particularly looming considering the kind of winter we've had so far. I have vague memories of years ago when snow was piled so high next to our driveway that we could build huge hills to sled down in our front yard. I always thought my memory scale was just faulty because no recent winter has touched it. This year, of course, has been different. it has made me wonder aloud, more than once, 'Winter does exist!" But then I got tired of it snowing piles every other day. February hadn't even come yet, and I was already sick of winter. That's not a good sign.

Turn time forward to last week and you find me driving through town all bundled up in my down coat with my window down, my sun roof open and the air blowing on cold. Why did I do this? Well, I would think it was obvious. February just isn't right without record cold temps. So even though the thermometer said 45 degrees, chances are it was lying and I would still need my warmest coat.

Or maybe it's that I refuse to get my hopes up that winter is actually coming to an end. Somehow, if I never start wearing my spring jacket, I can avoid the heartache of once more, pulling out the down coat when the temps decide to plummet again.

nothing more than feelings

While drinking our favorite Korean soda last sunday at dinner, I read aloud my favorite part of the bottle to my nephew Sam. "New feeling of soda beverage" I said. He clearly liked that.

Our neighbor Margie showed up and sat down to start eating with us. She takes some soda and Sam says all excitedly to her "you get a new feeling now too!" A few minutes later he declares, "I like my new feeling...I have a new feeling of love for my family. (awwwwwww) what's your new feeling, Margie?!" Margie stammers.... "uuuuuuuh....new feeling, yes!" Then Sam's mom saves her by saying, "I have a new feeling of not being thirsty any more."

Thanks, Sam, for putting us in touch with our feelings again...no matter how uncomfortable.

weekly posts!?

Yesterday, my brother asked if I had read my mom's cousin's tribute (of sorts) to our dad. I didn't even know she had written about the funeral, etc on her blog back in November. Since I haven't written about that whole experience much, and for those who are interested in knowing more about it, here is the link to that post.

We have had so many people give us pages and pages they have written on their thoughts about my dad. KaraLyn's blog includes much of what everyone has been telling us these last few months. Who knew dad was so popular :) We were really happy that KaraLyn's whole family were able to come for the funeral. Most of them live in Southern California and I'm sure they sacrificed a lot to drop everything and come.

it's a girl!

I had my first 'Girly' night last thursday. No, we didn't watch Pride and Prejudice and crimp each other's hair....

We did go get manicures. My first ever! (results shown above...apparently I have also added some bling to my wardrobe) I have to admit that I wasn't impressed: The manicure didn't cure my hangnails and I still bite my nails just as much as ever. Neither did it cure my need for a 'man' in my life. Some of my friends did pedicures and I must say that I was a little jealous watching them in their vibrating chairs with their feet being massaged, scrubbed, lotioned and soaking in hot water. I, on the other hand, was leaning forward anxiously trying to hold my hand in the perfect claw position. I paid $16 for a kink in my neck, basically. It worked out well in the end, though...they gave me a cold greasy egg roll in celebration of the lunar new year. That kept my teeth busy and spared my new paint job from destruction for a few minutes.